Suspicions Well-Founded

Dear Fetus,

I became very suspicious of you while watching Tool Academy. I believe it was when the big caveman lookin tool (who, SPOILER ALERT, ends up winning) was having a breakthrough. This emotional journey that caveman was on took me to a whole new level of pathetic – I fucking cried. No seriously, the Tool Academy caused an emotional melt down and it had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I was watching a horrific VH1 reality tv show that is probably used as a form of torture in some societies.

While I contemplated punching myself in the stomach for this ridiculous moment, I took it in stride as one of those “private moments” that I would just as soon never share with anyone, ever.

Fetus, I became very suspicious of your presence when you caused me to nearly pull over on my way home from work and boof on the side I-94. Instead, you allowed me to get home to the new apartment and break in the toilet. For that, I thank you. It was Culver’s chicken tenders. For that, I curse you. After bouncing back immediately from this first Fetus induced boof, I quickly downed some pretzels and port wine cheese dip, the good stuff. Fetus, you nun-chucked my favorite snack right up outta there in ten minutes flat. You better HOPE I can still eat that port wine cheese dip.

Fetus, you ended my suspicions the following morning when I broke out “the most sophisticated piece of technology I will ever pee on.” Although, when I REALLY think back to some hazy evenings, I may have peed on something slightly more sophisticated; but that’s neither here nor there. In any case, you were brewin away in my uterus-oven. At least that’s what 5 of the most sophisticated pieces of technology told me.

I’m not gonna lie to you, Fetus – you and I did not get off to a good start. I really like Culver’s chicken tenders and I REALLY like port wine cheese dip. Shit, I just paid $6,000 to get this new rack and I probably didn’t even need to!! And, if I’m really being honest, I think the Ivanhoe bar-staff and the manufacturers of Ketel One vodka are going to resent you for just showing up. Either way, we’re in this together (obviously) and I’m going to do my darndest to stay sober for 9 months! Kidding, Fetus, kidding…

So, in honor of our new journey together (and at the request of many) I’m starting this blog: What Would Fetus Do? And here’s a tip, Fetus: if you so much as THINK about making me puke the Mahi tacos from Ivanhoe, you will be eating exclusively salmon flavored baby food when the time comes. And just to be clear, I googled “most disgusting baby food” to find that shit. Righteous.